Naruto Get Together Stories
by KyLewin
Summary: A series of short stories of the exactly 1K variety dealing with Naruto hooking up with anyone and everyone. Evil, good, old, young, male, female - it doesn't matter... well, except the male option - only one of those just to be funny... hopefully...
1. Naruto and Sasuke

A/N: According to my Word count this one is one thousand words exactly (excluding the title and this author's note, obviously), pretty good for my first try at stories this short, I think. This is just something to keep me entertained when I get bored and am not in the mood to work on Time and Again. Most of them will be funny… or will try to be anyway… though maybe a few will be more serious if I'm in the mood, who knows. This will probably be the only Yaoi story I ever write (if this can even be called a yaoi story), but eventually I'll probably run out of girls to hook Naruto up with so I might have to switch over to the guy-guy stories… or I could just quit, I suppose… review if you want to (I certainly won't tell you _not_ to), but this story is just for fun and to see if I can write a story that hits 1K exactly, so I'm not too worried about getting responses. I think the next chapter will be Naruto and Tayuya… that should be fun, what with her being evil (not to mention dead) and all.

Naruto and Sasuke

It was strangely lonely lying alone in the dark, watching the dying embers of the fire burn themselves into nothingness, but Naruto had grown used to it. He'd lost track of how long it had been since he'd last seen another human. Weeks? Months? A _year_, maybe?

Obviously not since a few weeks after the last battle with Pein in Amegakure where the Akatsuki leader had unleashed his final attack and poisoned the waters all around them as he died. Everyone had grown sick as the plague struck in the following days. No one even knew if it was a virus or just a poison, but apparently Kyuubi's healing abilities were up to the task of keeping Naruto from being susceptible to it, unfortunately that meant that he got to watch everyone else around him die.

And now he was alone.

As if summoned by his loneliness, a twig snapped in the woods around him as something stepped into the dim firelight just on the other side of the small clearing from him.

"Sasuke," Naruto asked as he sat up.

"You're a hard man to find, dobe," Sasuke replied with his usual smirk.

"You're… how… Am I dreaming?" Naruto asked rubbing his eyes and then slapping his cheeks in an attempt to wake himself.

"No. I'm real. I used one of Orochimaru's less publicized jutsu and hid myself away until the plague burned itself out.

Naruto hadn't even realized how much he'd longed for human companionship until that moment. Tears streamed down his face as he got up, crossed the distance between them and threw his arms around his long, lost friend. Sasuke didn't hug him back, of course, but he didn't pull away either.

"There's something we need to talk about," Sasuke said at last once Naruto had composed himself.

Naruto wiped at his eyes and smiled happily for the first time in what felt like years. "What's that?"

"I've been traveling around a lot since the plague. I don't think anyone else made it."

"No one? That's impossible. I mean, someone…"

"I've been to every village, every town I've ever seen on a map, everywhere. There's no one else."

Naruto was silent, absorbing the information. They were the last people left on the continent, probably on the whole planet. It was a terrifyingly lonely thought.

"So," Sasuke continued with a strange look in his eyes, "we need to discuss where we go from here."

"What difference does it make?" Naruto asked. "There's no one left, we could go anywhere or just die right here and there wouldn't be anyone to care."

For the first time ever, Sasuke bit his lip and looked extremely nervous, or at least uncomfortable. "The human race _can't_ die out."

Naruto shrugged. "Unless you're wrong and a girl survived, there's not much _we_ can do about it."

"Yes there is."

Naruto blinked. "Huh?"

"There's a jutsu… a very strange jutsu… that Orochimaru created. It allows the user to change the chromosomes in his body and to adjust the body's anatomic make up to account for the change."

Naruto blinked again. "Huh?"

Sasuke sighed. "One of us can become a girl – a real girl – and we can try to repopulate the planet."

Naruto didn't say anything for a long time, but then he threw his head back and laughed long and hard. Sasuke had expected this reaction and so he waited patiently for Naruto to finish.

Finally Naruto calmed down enough to shake his head at Sasuke and say, "You're insane."

Sasuke nodded. "Maybe, but I've also come up with a plan that will save the human race, what have you been doing with your time lately?"

"Sasuke, even if you_are_ the last person on Earth, I'm not having sex with you – I don't care if you turn yourself into the hottest girl I can imagine."

"Who said _I_ was going to be the girl?"

"Well, _I'm_ not, so that leaves you or no one. It doesn't really matter anyway, if I was a girl, I wouldn't let you touch me with that thing. After all that time you spent with Orochimaru, who knows where it's been!"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Sasuke snapped.

Naruto laughed again. "Oh, come on, Jiraiya was my sensei, you think I didn't hear about Orochimaru's… er, _tastes_?"

Sasuke glared at him, but ended up letting it go rather than fighting over something so pointless. "Look, without us doing this, when we die, there won't be any other humans left. It'll be like Sakura, Kakashi, and all the others never even existed. You always said you wanted to be greater than all the other Hokages, well, this is about the greatest thing a person could possibly do. We'll be the founders of a whole society."

Naruto didn't have a come back or insult for that. He thoughtfully mulled it over for the next couple of hours.

"Okay," he conceded in the end, "I'll do it, but only if I get to stay male and if we make absolute sure that there's definitely no one else _anywhere_ first."

Sasuke nodded reluctantly, sealing the deal. They spent the next three years searching every village, every cave, anywhere a human could have survived, but found nothing. In the end, Naruto had to concede that they really were the last.

They found a quiet place near the ocean that would make for a good home and Sasuke preformed the jutsu. When it was done, his hair was just as long and silky as ever, but now it framed a beautiful woman's face. His body was the sort that had once left Jiraiya tongue tied and slack jawed. He actually was the hottest woman Naruto had ever seen.

Naruto stepped closer Sasuke, gently touching his… her… face and lowered his lips onto hers….

And quickly pulled away.

"I don't care! It's too gross!" he yelled, wiping his tongue and lips on his dirty shirt. "I'd rather the species end than go through with it!"


	2. Naruto and Tayuya

A/N: Since this chapter is about Naruto hooking up with Tayuya, expect plenty of bad words. Not a lot, but then this story is only a thousand words long. Percentage-wise, it's still a decent amount, so consider this chapter to be rated M for language. You'd find worse in an R-rated movie, no doubt, but I don't really like using – or hearing – bad words so it might seem worse to me. It _feels_ bad enough that I think I should warn you at least. Really, though, the name Tayuya should say it all, don't you think?

Naruto and Tayuya

She was hot.

Not hot in a "wow, she's good looking" sort of way. He was certain that his Sexy no Jutsu appearance had her beat in every conceivable area (at least in terms of appearance) but she definitely wasn't _bad_ looking. He'd always known he liked red shades of hair – though he usually preferred pink – and he could see that a darker red looked pretty as well.

No, she was hot in a weirdly-attractive-and-incredibly-interesting sort of way.

"What the fuck is this?!?" she growled in her crass, but oddly appealing, voice as she threw a plateful of food back into the face of the waiter who had just brought it to her. "You think I'm going to eat this shit, you goddamn slug-eating worm?"

Naruto had no idea how a worm could eat a slug, nor what made it a viable insult, but he liked the way she said it… probably because the restaurant happened to be one that refused to serve him.

"I-I'm sorry," the waiter replied, clearly unaccustomed to having such a boisterously displeased customer. "What was wrong with it?"

"It tasted like shit," she growled. "Like shit that a dog ate and then puked back up!"

Naruto couldn't help but laugh. He'd never eaten at the restaurant, he'd only once managed to even get a seat, but he knew the food there was good. It wasn't ramen, but it was good. Whoever this strange woman was, she was pulling a prank of some sort.

And he was pretty certain he was in love.

"I… I can't believe that," the waiter replied, trying to sound firm. "Th-the head chef prepared that meal himself. There is no way it could have tasted as bad as you say."

"Did you just call me a liar, dick-face?"

Again her insults seemed to be almost nonsensical – the man's face didn't resemble any reproductive organ. Actually, she seemed to curse and use crude language just to see the reactions of others. Once upon a time, he'd been much the same way, until Iruka promised to ban him from the class if he didn't start speaking _a little_ more respectfully to those around him. She was like the person he might have been if Iruka hadn't stepped in.

She made a few more remarks about the food, the establishment, and the people who patronized it before she was finally asked to leave. Even then, she made a big show walking slowly, adding a few more choice words for everyone involved.

The crowd that had gathered around gave her plenty of space as she crossed her arms over her chest and wandered a way, suspiciously happy smile on her face. No one seemed to want to get close to her, and she looked like she considered that a compliment, but Naruto had always been one to go against the crowd and this was no exception.

He would have been content to follow from a distance and see what she did next; she was interesting enough for him to be satisfied with that. However, when she pulled something out from under her dress and popped it into her mouth, he hurried to catch up.

"What are you doing?!?" he demanded.

She raised an eyebrow at him, took another bite of the food, and asked, "What are _you_ doing, shit-face?"

"You said that tasted bad!"

"It does."

"But you stole it."

"So?"

Naruto had thought that "you stole it" was enough to make his point. Stealing without reason was, after all, wrong. Everyone knew that. "Why?"

She looked pointedly at his hitai-ate and frowned. "Why the fuck are you following me?"

Naruto did his best not to blush, but probably didn't succeed. "You were kind of cool back there… I just thought…"

"Ugh," she groaned, glaring at him, "you aren't going to go home and jack off while thinking about me, are you?"

"What!?!? No!!!"

"Too bad," she sighed, walking away, "I might have given you a little show if you'd said yes."

Naruto wasn't sure how to take that. He wasn't sure he _wanted _to know how to take that. What he did want was for her not to think that he was a pervert. And, if possible, it might be nice for her to think that he was cool the way he thought she was cool.

"I was just wondering if you wanted to pull another prank," he called after her.

She stopped, paused for just a second, and then turned to face him. "What do you mean?"

Rather than explain, Naruto transformed into a beautiful blond girl with large breasts and a dress that showed off more than was decent. Then he motioned towards a nearby restaurant and walked in. The poor waiter had no idea what hit him. One minute he was taking orders from two pretty girls, the next they were accusing him of looking down the blonde's dress and making such a scene that the other women in the restaurant began to turn on him as well. Within minutes, he was surrounded by angry customers and his two accusers were nowhere to be found.

It was the beginning of a wonderfully entertaining day for the two of them (and _only_ them).

On a hill, not far from the first restaurant, the red haired girl sat with Naruto, laughing about the look on the face of one of their victims. Naruto actually felt a little bad about some of the pranks, but his new friend's laughter helped settle his unease.

"You know, for a little shit, you're alright," she told him. "Are you in the Chuunin Exam tomorrow?"

Naruto nodded proudly.

"Tomorrow's a busy day for me too," she told him, "thanks for showing me a little fun."

"What's your name?" Naruto asked.

"Need a fucking name for your dirty little fantasy?" Her smile was almost sweet.

Naruto choked.

"It's Tayuya," she whispered as she leaned over and lightly kissed his cheek. "I hope we run into each other again sometime."

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A/N: Well, that is exactly one thousand words that I never thought I'd actually get through. The idea of doing lots of Naruto get together stories (with a thousand word limit) seemed fun until I actually had to do more than the story that I had the initial idea for. I wrote and rewrote this about a dozen times before just calling it quits for several months. Then, just today, this idea of them finding love through mean pranks struck me and I wrote this in about thirty minutes (with another thirty spent finding words to cut so I could get down to just one thousand for the story). I don't know if really I like it, but I kind of dug the ending, especially her last line of dialog there. Anyway, I like it enough to move on and that's what counts (to me, at least).

This one definitely isn't as funny as the Sasuke one, in my opinion, but at least I finished it. Frankly, I should have gone with an easier person for Naruto to get with. It's been almost a year since I posted the last one, hopefully it won't be so long this time around.

Next, I think I'll go for Sakura since she should be a bit easier… I hope. Please review.

See you in a year or less! ;)


	3. Naruto and Sakura

A/N: I got the idea for the theme of this chapter from Helena L (who can be found in my "favorite authors" section) and her story "KotOR: Marisu Saves The Day!" If you even remotely like StarWars, Knights of the Old Republic, or humor in general, you'd probably enjoy her story. I don't necessarily think I pull of writing a "spoof" nearly as well as she does, but hopefully you'll still enjoy this.

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Naruto and Sakura

o

Sasuke was evil. That's a key thing to remember. Not just evil, but annoying, and stuck up, and evil, and _probably_ gay. (A/N: Not that there's anything wrong with that… Haku was probably gay (A/N: He's hawt and totally not evil! Or a woman and totally not evil… I can't make up my mind).)

Sakura wasn't sure why it took her so long to realize it, but now that she saw the truth, she couldn't deny it anymore than she could stop the sun from rising in the west (A/N: In their world, it rises in the west, don't ask me why). She felt really bad too. All those times that she'd hit Naruto for being stupid… she'd never realized that she was hitting the man whom she would one day hope would be the future father of her children. The violence was probably a subconscious response to her subconscious secret love for him… a secret love that she'd been totally unaware of until just the other day when she'd seen him slurp down his fiftieth bowl of ramen (A/N: What can I say? the guy likes his ramen) and turned so that the amber rays of the majestic sunset had bounced off his flowing golden locks, framing his face in a halo of heavenly light as he let out a heartfelt belch and patted his stomach in obvious satisfaction.

Her heart had melted as she beheld the sight and she'd known that her days of fawning over ol' what's-his-face were over.

**"Shannaro! Plus, Suck-uke was an asshole to me the other day just because I followed him home and stole some of his trash!!! Naruto is way better. He's a total bishounen!"**

Sakura nodded, "That's right. There isn't any law against digging through trash for memorabilia." (A/N: Seriously, there's not… or at least I hope there's not…)

Naruto was having similar thoughts on the other side of Konoha as he sat in his clean apartment and contemplated the state of his life. He loved Sakura, that much he knew, but he didn't know how to tell her or what she would say in return. Plus, after all of the physical assaults he'd suffered as a baby at the hands of the villagers, resulting in literally hundreds of days spent in the hospital where the nurses barely even noticed or fed him despite laws stating that they had to (A/N: Seriously, all the other villagers are serious a-holes to poor Naruto-kun), he was nervous about dropping the mask that he always used to shield himself from their hatred.

**"Come on, kit,"** Kyuubi whispered kindly, **"I'm sure she'll accept you. You're a real catch; plus, she'll make an excellent mate for you in the coming seasons."**

"Thanks, Kyuubi-san," Naruto replied with a small sniffle as he once more hid his pain deep within his heart. "I'm so glad we're able to talk constantly. Without your encouragement, I never would have gotten through my horrifyingly brutal childhood and your healing abilities really helped out all those times I was stabbed by large mobs that strangely attracted no attention from the police forces or the ANBU until after I'd been hurt."

**"That's what I'm here for, kit,"** Kyuubi replied. **"Sure, I attacked the village, but I didn't mean to. It was that bastard Orochimaru… or maybe Madara… I forget which. It doesn't really matter. The important thing is that we're friends and I'm going to help you get the woman of your dreams."**

"Really?"

**"Yup, that's the other thing I'm here for. You just leave everything to me."**

Naruto drifted off to sleep that night, happy that the demon sealed in his stomach was such a good friend.

The next day, Sakura and Naruto waited patiently for Kakashi to show up. Since Kakashi was a member of the village, he was also an a-hole. Plus, he was always late and never paid any attention to Naruto and Sakura. Sasuke was still at home, combing his hair and dreaming of his boyfriend, Rock Lee (A/N: I think they'd make a much better couple than SasuSaku and I think Lee deserves to be with someone… just go with it, okay?)

**"Pst,"** Kyuubi whispered.

**"What is it?"** Inner Sakura answered (A/N: Just go with this too).

**"I think we need to get these two together."**

**"Shannaro!!! That's a great idea. They're obviously already in love, it won't take much. What do you have in mind?"**

**"How about if I get Naruto to ask Sakura to Ramen, but you have her twist her ankle so he has to carry her? That would be so kawaiiiiiii!"**

**"Yeah, but isn't that a little over the top. I mean, they already love each other, why not just get him to confess and then we can jump to the lemon scenes?"**

**"First of all, that's lame. Second of all, Naruto and Sakura are only like thirteen, I'm pretty sure writing lemons for them is illegal. And third of all, we only have 169 words left in this chapter; that isn't enough space for a decent lemon scene anyway."**

**"It is if their confession just consists of them admitting their feelings and then we cut to some lemony goodness!"**

**"This story is rated 'T,' we can't have lemons."**

**"Forget it then. If I'm not going to hear Sakura moan about the size of Naruto's manhood, I'm out of here."**

A door slammed somewhere in Sakura's head, waking her from a daydream in which she and Naruto were happily skipping through a beautiful field of daisies and tulips as they headed towards a picnic where Naruto planned to propose to her.

**"Alright, kit, the time is right. Go for it!"**

Naruto briefly wondered why Kyuubi's plan consisted entirely of him blurting out his feelings, but decided that the demon in his stomach probably knew what he was doing. "H-hey Sakura-chan?" Naruto whispered.

"Yeah, Naruto-kun?"

"I kind of… I love you."

Despite the fact that Naruto had done plenty of things to make his desires known to her in the past, Sakura gasped in surprise. "I love you too."

"You do? Well then, will you be my girlfriend?"

"Of course!"

**"Hmm, perhaps inner Sakura knew what she was talking about"** Kyuubi mused. **"Good job kit. Now make a clear statement that the two of you are at least eighteen, then mount her and let's get on with the lemon scene!"**

"Huh?" Naruto said out loud. Sakura gave him a funny look, causing him to blush in a way that was very kawaii. _'Huh?'_ he asked in his head.

Kyuubi scratched the back of his neck. **"Nothing, nothing. Carry on. We're already over a thousand words; you better start wrapping things up. Maybe we can have our lemon scene in the next chapter… uh, I mean when you're older."**

"Uh, what about that yaro, Sasuke-teme?" Naruto asked Sakura, hoping that she wouldn't suddenly change her mind about loving him.

Sakura scowled fiercely. "Him? I'm over that. I was so hung up on him, that until just this morning I didn't realize I was actually in love with you all along! Fortunately I came to my senses in less than a thousand words or this might have been an awkward ending."

"Actually, we're already way over a thousand words," Naruto told her gently. "I think it will be alright though. Clearly no one is worrying about it anymore." He bit his lip in a kawaii way and then kawaiily whispered nervously, "Can I… can I k-kiss you?"

Sakura's smile was enough to light up the whole room… or wherever they were. (A/N: Sorry, I forgot to describe it (A/N: And we're too far over the word limit to go back and fix it).) She leaned in and their lips touched, sending a bolt of electricity through their bodies as they opened their lips and Naruto's warm tongue invaded Sakura's willing mouth.

From where he was watching them, Kakashi smiled happily. He might be the worst jounin instructor ever, but he did have a decent side when he wasn't totally favoring Sasuke and/or punching holes in kids' chests (A/N: I'll never forgive him for killing Haku. Don't tell me an elite ANBU – with his Sharingan activated, no less – couldn't have pulled his punch at the last second!).

"Ito semete/ko Fisiki toki Fa/mubatama no yoru no koromo wo/ka Fesite zo kiru," he quoted from a beautiful old poem – not bothering to translate its elegant words into the language he normally spoke (or one that the most of the audience could actually read) – and then left the two lovers to their budding lemon scene as he went to check on how Sasuke's hair was looking.

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A/N: Well, I guess the thousand word thing is no more, at least for this one. Really, I don't think I care at the moment. I actually read a number of Sakura-Naruto stories that were really, really bad in preparation for writing this story. I personally think that this can be a really cute couple, but if you want it done well you can already find dozens of stories that do it justice. I suppose you could argue that if you wanted to see it done badly, you could already find thousands upon thousands of stories like that, but let's just pretend that isn't true and that you're reading this story because it was so _uniquely_ bad it warranted a read!

Anyway, I hope you found this somewhat funny or at least enjoyed it. I tried to include some of the "classic" _bad_ fanfiction characteristics: two people falling in love with absurd ease and no development, author's notes within the text (A/N: And within other author's notes), and random Japanese that serves no purpose other than to prove that you know a few Japanese adjectives (or can look up a poem online) – none of which are translated for those who only speak the language that 99% of the story is written in. Plus, I added some of my own pet peeves (Kyuubi talking to Naruto, Kyuubi being overly nice to Naruto, etc.)… and then thought I'd take it a step farther by having Kyuubi and inner Sakura able to talk to each other (I figured since they both talk in bold, they might as well talk in bold to each other… makes sense, right?). Actually, the thought struck me towards the end, that it might be funny to have had Kyuubi and Inner Sakura head off for a lemon scene of their own, but that seemed over the top.


End file.
